Why I Am Applying for an Executive Director Position at Goldman Sachs

This post was  originally published on Mashable.

A blistering op-ed about Goldman  Sachs in The New York Times has prompted the typical  internet reaction to a cri de coeur: Twitter chatter, link-dropping and the  inevitable parodies.

The op-ed,  authored by former Goldman Sachs executive director Greg Smith, explains why he  is leaving the investment bank. The piece has only been up since Tuesday night,  but a few enterprising satirists have already rushed out responses.

So far, the one getting the most attention is from The Daily Mash, a piece  ostensibly penned by Darth Vader. “Why I Am Leaving the Empire” details the  former Anakin Skywalker’s disgust with his employer:

“The Empire is one of the galaxy’s largest and most important oppressive  regimes and it is too integral to galactic murder to continue to act this way.  The firm has veered so far from the place I joined right out of Yoda College  that I can no longer in good conscience point menacingly and say that I identify  with what it stands for.”

Meanwhile, Michael Comeau at Minyanville has responded opportunistically with “Why  I Am Applying for an Executive Director Position at Goldman Sachs.”Comeau, noting the opening created by Smith’s sudden absence, has addressed a  letter to Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein:

“My proudest moments in life — getting accepted to Brooklyn College, passing  Intro to Chemistry, and competing in countless Wiffle-ball and roller-hockey  games, known as the Brooklyn Olympics — were achieved through pure awesomeness,  with no shortcuts.

“And more importantly, Lloyd, I know how to keep my mouth shut.”

Not to be outdone, comedy writer Andy Borowitz has penned a letter on Borowitz  Report putatively from Blankfein detailing the succession plan for  Smith:

“As to those of you who were serviced by Mr Smith, it’s understandable that  you would be concerned about who will be taking his place going forward. On that  front, I have some exciting news: today, Goldman is pleased to announce that our  new executive director and head of the United States equity derivatives business  in Europe, the Middle East and Africa will be Mr Joseph Kony. For those  unfamiliar with Mr. Kony’s resume, let me assure you that he has the character  and moral standards you have come to expect from Goldman, and like the rest of  us here at the bank, he has dedicated his life to doing the Lord’s work.”

On Wednesday afternoon, Slate also piled on with a New Yorker-like list of  other “Why I Am Leaving” quotes from Shamu’s trainer at Sea World and one from a  disgruntled former Googler. (“When I started here, there was an entire  refrigerator stocked with coconut water. Now, that fridge holds nothing but  agave juice. I don’t care for it.”)

Finally, The Reformed Broker, a blog by investment advisor Joshua Brown,  offered not so much a parody as a pointed criticism against Smith with the post, “How  to Quit a Job Without Publishing an Op-Ed.”

Mashable is the largest independent news  source covering digital culture, social media and technology.

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About davidmorganjenkins
I am an experienced international, commercial, strategic business leader delivering customer focussed initiatives for world class leisure & sports brands. I have a credible track record of leadership and senior management experience in particular with business operations, marketing & business development within leisure, sport, ecommerce/retail & B2C sectors. I have a unique creative vision, supported by sound financial management & budgetary responsibility having increased brand awareness, sales & core revenue by 60% & profit 200 % at Football Aid over a 3 year period. In parallel, I am centred on attention to detail ensuring a consistent product offering and the greatest possible customer experience. This is delivered through strong collaborative teamwork and creating a culture of creativity, determination and enthusiasm amongst team members. I possess an ability to cement & develop relationships at all levels and can easily engage, report to & upwardly manage share & stakeholder alliances ensuring delivery of business objectives. Key skills Developing & implementing business plans focussing on sales, profits & volume Bringing sales & marketing strategy to life to inspire customers; making visions/dreams a reality Customer service; driving enhanced customer satisfaction & delivering a reputation for excellence Developing, influencing & implementing plans & partnerships that deliver competitive advantage Effective planning & delivery of multiple channel, venue & geographical programmes & projects Leading & managing operation, marketing & business development teams to believe in their ability to succeed Experience headlines Commercial; sales, strategy, development, marketing, sponsorship, promotion, customers service Business administration: P&L, performance, improvement & operational management Marketing & brand; communications, brand management, development & membership/loyalty Ecommerce & retail; FMCG, optimisation, data (CRM), social media, SEO, PPC & affiliates Technology; CRM, web TV, new media, smart phone/iPhone applications

One Response to Why I Am Applying for an Executive Director Position at Goldman Sachs

  1. Pingback: Why Am I Leaving Goldman Sachs? « Fettes Management

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